loneliness … or thanks, USCHO

usually fine
by myself
mostly alone
with a few friends seen sporadically
(definitely not often enough if I’m being honest)
until …
a blast from the past
a walk down memory lane
even if not all good
still a painful gut-check reminder
that you used to feel tighter in to a community
while you don’t want to return
(particularly to that one)
(oh please god no)
you admit that
(more than a small teeny tiny)
part of you misses it and that
upon further reflection
the replacement communities haven’t
(painfully hard to admit)
even
come
close.
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loneliness … or thanks, USCHO, 11.28.19

friendship

friendship.
i’ve never been good at it.
oh hi, i’m me,
what’s your name?
you like this?
i like it too; let’s be
friends.
it’s funny –
(or tragic. i haven’t decided yet -)
but i can’t remember how i
first made friends.
of course, it
doesn’t help
(not one tiny bit)
that those people are,
for the most part,
not in my life anymore.
one due to simply drifting
apart, time taking its toll
(probably long overdue and the
hand was forced
(hers not mine)
but still).
another due to so many
factors
(wedding disaster the first
and
foremost).
but it doesn’t help
when i see others –
with so many friends.
why did i not retain
those special, treasured bonds,
from high school,
from college,
from sports teams,
from … everything?
i know
(oh trust me i know)
i’m not the most
open, or
engaging, and god knows i’m
awkward as hell.
but damnit,
i miss having someone
that i can call up and say
hi, let’s hang out,
you come here
or i’ll go there.
without four months of
phone tag, or
meaning to call
(likelier text)
and forgetting.
i don’t know how to be
girly, yet i want a
girls night,
someone to laugh with,
cry with,
share with.
acquaintances?
those i’ve got.
but a friend –
a true, honest-to-goodness
bff –
i’d love one.
please.
tell me how to make one.
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friendship, 2.4.19