musings on the zombie apocalypse

rapidly spreading
dangerous
keep yourself isolated
keep positive
proper distance
breathe
(try to remember to do that)
(even though it’s hard)
(oh so very very hard)
keep hope in the forefront
and fear in the rear view
and maybe
just maybe
we’ll get through this.
and oh –
if you thought i was speaking of the virus –
you would be wrong.
i meant the
news.
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musings on the zombie apocalypse, 3.22.20

february blues

the cold, chill, biting wind
snow falls,
day in, day out
sometimes a little
sometimes a lot
a break here and there
(much less than normal)
a sunny day spoiled
the very next with a deep descent into the
frigid
it wears on a person.
where is my sun?
waiting for the warmth
of a nice spring day
waiting for the moment,
feeling a breeze, when suddenly,
it’s gone
the bite disappears and you
know, you just
know
the long hard winter is
(at least mostly)
over
and sunshine and flowers and
new life can abound
once again.
until then …
brr.
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february blues, 2.25.20

mil frustration

you’re NOT a child i know this seriously YOU’RE A FUCKING SENIOR CITIZEN i don’t want to revert resort to a meme but sometimes ok boomer i don’t want to misdiagnose you and maybe it would be easier if you actually were bipolar but i’m not supposed to use the term if you’re not ACTUALLY but i don’t know how else to describe it you’re a teenager and if i think of it that way you’re marginally easier to deal with but i swear you’re also as frustrating as a teenager (not that i’d actually know since i don’t have them myself)(nor will i ever) but holy shit you’re also not useless i know you’re not useless you’ve been on this planet so much longer and i’m sure you’re fine on your own but put a man around you whether it be your husband or your son (and so much always your son which is my husband now he’s an adult he’s a fucking adult can you not see that he’s a goddamn FUCKING adult) and suddenly oh no i know nothing i need your help do this do that and it chafes my modern feminist heart (which isn’t my whole heart but it’s enough of a section maybe that’s me being a partial elder statesman millennial i don’t know but holy fuck either way goddamn it CHAFES) and i’m not strong enough to ignore it and to school my face and maybe if i were in regency england or when you yourself were a child then maybe but i’m NOT i’m NOT and i won’t be i know i can change but i will NOT change in this because it’s not ME that’s the problem everyone else in the family likes me but YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and it’s all because i took your son and took him away (far far away) and you resent me for it and you hate me for it and i know there is nothing i can do to make you happy (except to pop out a million grandbabies and to move next door and to completely change who i am and) so is it even worthwhile for me to make the effort and i swear it’s not so i’m not i’m not bothering fuck you i’m not going to be happy i’m not going to be fake i’m not going to do it i’m staying me i’m not playing a role i’m not that good of an actress i’m not i’m not i’m not i’m sorry husband i can’t do it i know it’s hard for you and i know you’re struggling but if she’s not going to make an effort if she’s going to change her personality and be useless (how much do i hate useless) i’m not i’m not i’m not i’m not i’m not i’m not i’m not
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mil frustration, 1.18.20

loneliness … or thanks, USCHO

usually fine
by myself
mostly alone
with a few friends seen sporadically
(definitely not often enough if I’m being honest)
until …
a blast from the past
a walk down memory lane
even if not all good
still a painful gut-check reminder
that you used to feel tighter in to a community
while you don’t want to return
(particularly to that one)
(oh please god no)
you admit that
(more than a small teeny tiny)
part of you misses it and that
upon further reflection
the replacement communities haven’t
(painfully hard to admit)
even
come
close.
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loneliness … or thanks, USCHO, 11.28.19

an explanation for the clouds

i saw them only once, early in the morning
the passage of the
plains ghosts
wisps stealing across the sky.
the sun was burning through the clouds
creating an eyeball,
watching,
guiding,
urging.
steadily they floated
methodically they made their journey
going south to north
venturing wherever it is they go
all the while
i kept driving
watching the solemn parade.
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an explanation for the clouds, 9.26.19

(Driving across NE Colorado on that trip to Wisconsin, I saw some strange clouds and they begged me to write their story.)

IMG_4414
The wisps.

IMG_4415
It gets lost in the photo, but it really did look like an eyeball to me.

temperature gothic

you never thought it would happen to you.
the heat, the oppression, you craved the former not knowing it was the latter that would get you.
i hate the cold, you thought.
i hate how it seeps into my bones, penetrates my very marrow.
how the sun stays hidden behind a veil of clouds, always teasing, always taunting, but never gracing us with its presence.
how warmth is always elusive, no matter how many coats or blankets or cups of hot chocolate, how it stays just out of reach.
i bet you wish you still had that chill now.
now in the unrelenting summer that never ends.
you can lay, naked, motionless, with a thousand fans on you, and still, you will perspire.
the permanent tinge of a rosy cheek has been replaced with the permanent shine of sweat, a dark spot on your lower back that never seems to depart.
i love the heat, you thought, the warmth like a hug.
the hug has turned constrictive
and you cannot escape.
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temperature gothic, 7.27.19

(So I’ve been on Pinterest and keep getting tumblr ____ gothic posts in my feed and, well, they spawned this.)

friendship

friendship.
i’ve never been good at it.
oh hi, i’m me,
what’s your name?
you like this?
i like it too; let’s be
friends.
it’s funny –
(or tragic. i haven’t decided yet -)
but i can’t remember how i
first made friends.
of course, it
doesn’t help
(not one tiny bit)
that those people are,
for the most part,
not in my life anymore.
one due to simply drifting
apart, time taking its toll
(probably long overdue and the
hand was forced
(hers not mine)
but still).
another due to so many
factors
(wedding disaster the first
and
foremost).
but it doesn’t help
when i see others –
with so many friends.
why did i not retain
those special, treasured bonds,
from high school,
from college,
from sports teams,
from … everything?
i know
(oh trust me i know)
i’m not the most
open, or
engaging, and god knows i’m
awkward as hell.
but damnit,
i miss having someone
that i can call up and say
hi, let’s hang out,
you come here
or i’ll go there.
without four months of
phone tag, or
meaning to call
(likelier text)
and forgetting.
i don’t know how to be
girly, yet i want a
girls night,
someone to laugh with,
cry with,
share with.
acquaintances?
those i’ve got.
but a friend –
a true, honest-to-goodness
bff –
i’d love one.
please.
tell me how to make one.
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friendship, 2.4.19